victorianmaiden

Hello everyone. I’m back because I would like to share some of my experiences with being a lolita while also struggling with impulse issues. If you find that you somewhat relate to this article and are questioning if you have the same issues I do, remember that everyone experiences things differently. Just because you relate doesn’t always mean there is a cause for concern - But if you’re genuinely concerned about yourself or fear that you too may be falling into a shopping addiction, please seek professional help. It gets better.

Being a lolita means a lot to me. It is one of the main reasons I get up in the morning, one of the main reasons I’m able to be excited for the day. Without lolita fashion, I wouldn’t know who I was. I’m sure you could replace “lolita fashion” in this sentence with any other hobby and it would still make sense, but lolita is just so different from most hobbies that it makes sense in a different way that only lolitas would understand. Let’s face it, lolita is not cheap. It is a commitment. It is a dedication.

I’m sure most lolitas have impulsively purchased something. An accessory here, a blouse there - We all do it, it’s no big deal. What happens when you impulse purchase too often though? You develop a shopping addiction. Your bank account starts getting dangerously low. You might even overdraw a few times, or spend a little too much on your credit card. But it becomes a slippery slope - You’re buying more than you can pay for, because your brain tells you that you need more. “Just one more headbow”, it says, “and then we’ll stop.” “Oh, but there’s this really cute accessory-“ “Oh, but my dream dress just popped up!” “Oh, but I just have to have this, because it’s really cheap and it’ll sell really fast!” And then you’re impulse purchasing two times a week. Three. Four. Five, six, seven - Until you can’t take it anymore.

At some point you start throwing out things you love just to buy some new dress that just popped up on mercari jp, or a rare (but expensive!) bonnet that suddenly appeared on wunderwelt. There’s no escape, it’s a continuous loop. Buy, sell. Sell to buy. Rinse and repeat. It feels like you’re stuck at the bottom of a hole, and there’s no way out.

I remember watching a video at the start of 2021, If I recall it was “When Lolita Fashion Becomes An Addiction” by youtuber Merry Moons. I watched it because I was worried about myself. At the time, I wasn’t too deep into my shopping addiction. I was buying lolita only with money I had and selling as needed, not impulsively - But I was still worried. So I watched it. I checked things off on a mental list, and I only met two of the criteria mentioned. I didn’t have a shopping addiction, I was OK.

Fast forward two years to the present day, and I can check off multiple things from that video. Hell, there’s more criteria I checked off than didn’t. This comes to show that it doesn’t happen overnight. It happened within the span of two years, but that doesn’t make it any less real. Just because it’s not an instant change doesn’t mean I didn’t have to watch myself, because I was descending into the pit of addiction without even knowing it.

Heads up: If you sell me something and a month later I’m selling it again, I’m not doing it because I wanted to scalp. I’m doing it because it was an impulse purchase that made me carry so much guilt I just had to let it go to feel like myself again. Moments like those are when I’m proud to sell, when selling makes me feel good - But sometimes, just like buying, selling makes me feel too good.

I don’t know how common this one is: But I also struggle with impulse selling. I’ve lost my favorite items to my own impulses, and regretted it for months. Rare items, items that I bought and wore once, items that I love - There’s nothing I won’t simply chuck out the window when I’m on one of my impulsive selling sprees.

And yes, before you ask, I do have a therapist and she’s wonderful. She knows about my shopping addiction, and I’m actively getting help. I found that using my DBT skills that I learned while in a therapy program are incredibly useful. Two skills I really like to use are the “STOP” (Stop, take a step back, observe, and proceed mindfully) and “check the facts” skills - If you’re not familiar with DBT, the STOP skill is where you stop everything you’re doing and think a situation through. The “check the facts” skill is where you, when not in a vulnerable state, mentally check the facts in a situation and correct any cognitive distortions you’re having. I find these very useful for treating my shopping addiction.

If you are reading this and you find that you also are struggling with a shopping addiction, recovery is entirely possible. To stop an addiction, you need to burn bridges - Go cold turkey. Do not allow yourself any access to the things that make you relapse on your addiction: such as any shopping websites, lolita groups, lolita discord servers, and so on. Ask your lolita friends to not discuss their new purchases, and not discuss things they’re selling. If needed, go into the “screen time” section on your phone and restrict all of the shopping websites (such as lacemarket, y!ja, mercari jp, fril, closetchild, wunderwelt, etc).

And for those of you who do not have a shopping addiction, please have some way that you keep track of your purchases. You don’t want to get in over your head. Take it easy, remind yourself that things come and go, and make sure that you’re sometimes focusing on other things that are not lolita fashion. Best of luck to you all, -Isha